TLC Presents Bringing Up Bebe: Review and Free Giveaway

Bringing Up Bebe 198x300 TLC Presents Bringing Up Bebe: Review and Free Giveaway Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

Release date: 2012 / 304 pages

Synopsis (from Amazon): When American journalist Pamela Druckerman has a baby in Paris, she doesn’t aspire to become a “French parent.” …Yet, the French children Druckerman knows sleep through the night at two or three months old while those of her American friends take a year or more. French kids eat well-rounded meals that are more likely to include braised leeks than chicken nuggets. And while her American friends spend their visits resolving spats between their kids, her French friends sip coffee while the kids play…With a notebook stashed in her diaper bag, Druckerman-a former reporter for The Wall Street Journal-sets out to learn the secrets to raising a society of good little sleepers, gourmet eaters, and reasonably relaxed parents. She discovers that French parents are extremely strict about some things and strikingly permissive about others. And she realizes that to be a different kind of parent, you don’t just need a different parenting philosophy. You need a very different view of what a child actually is.

Review: When I was exactly halfway through Bringing Up Bebe, I happened to turn on NPR and hear the tail-end of an interview with Pamela Druckerman. I was gratified to hear the interviewer mention that Bebe had been getting rave reviews because after only 100 or so pages, I could tell my own review would be glowing.

When TLC contacted me about reading and reviewing Druckerman’s work, I was immediately compelled by the idea of comparing French and American parenting styles. Although not a parent myself, as a teacher I am well-versed with the result of different parenting styles — students who see boundaries as simply the starting place for negotiation, students who demand every moment of a teacher’s attention, blind to the needs of the other 30-odd individuals in the room, students who ripped a paper in half after losing only a few points. And I will always remember the parent who, upon hearing my glowing report of his son’s grade, replied, “His intellect is a gift he had no control over; I am much more interested in how he treats you and his fellow students.”

I’ll admit that I’ve also been unsettled by my generation’s tendencies when parenting (I’m 42). Limited diets (“he only eats chicken fingers” — or noodles or grilled cheese) seems to have become the norm, rather than the unfortunate, bizarre exception. All-day snacking — and then meals that go largely untouched — seems so common, yet so counterproductive, as well as the precursor to dysfunctional habits that will be difficult to break. Spending time with parents who believe the afternoon or evening should revolve around their children — what the child is doing, saying, etc. — rather than balanced with adult conversation can be a challenging — and exhausting — few hours.

So, I was curious to see how another country approached parenting, as seen through the eyes of an American.

Bringing Up Bebe starts with the author and her husband taking their eighteen-month-old daughter, Bean, to a restaurant a few hours outside of Paris. The experience is remarkably similar to any seen in the States — after a short time, the parents are begging the waiter to bring food — immediately — as the child impatiently squirms about, scarfs down the bread basket, and soon starts dismantling anything she can reach — sugar packets, salt shakers, etc. Druckerman sighs and decides, like so many American parents, that nice meals in restaurants will need to be put on hold for a few years. However, as she is leaving the restaurant she notices

French children the same age as Bean are sitting contentedly in their high chairs, waiting for their food, or eating fish and even vegetables. There’s no shrieking or whining. Everyone is having one course at a time. And there’s no debris around their tables…

Why is it, for example, that in the hundreds of hours I’ve clocked at French playgrounds, I’ve never seen a child (except my own) throw a temper tantrum? Why don’t my French friends ever need to rush off the phone because their kids are demanding something? Why haven’t their living rooms been taken over by teepees and toy kitchens, the way ours has? …it’s increasingly clear to me that quietly and en masse, French parents are achieving outcomes that create a whole different atmosphere for family life. (1-3)

As a result of her observations, Druckerman decides to investigate where these differences in behavior come from and begins to research, observe and interview French parenting from every angle. The result is a fabulous read — both hands-on practical and sociologically fascinating. Even as a childless adult, I found her findings compelling and raced through the work in a matter of hours.

A few elements that keep this from becoming a Francophile critique of America are that Druckerman is not really in love with France. She appreciates the good food and stylish Parisians’ aesthetic but often feels left out and lonely. As a Parisian who moved to New York City years ago noted, “[In New York], if you like yoga and you’re pregnant, boom! You get into this group of pregnant women doing yoga.” Druckerman misses this sense community that is so effortless in America and found her new city beautiful but apathetic.

However, she did find much to admire regarding French parenting — mostly delayed gratification, even as young as a few months old, strict rules about eating (four meals a day — no snacks — three courses, varied cuisine), and a confident sense of authority.

French parents establish a strict “cadre” or framework of expectations and boundaries, but then allow considerable freedom within the framework — great autonomy to make decisions and suffer logical consequences, whether when playing with peers, taking week-long vacations without parents, or in school:

…without limits, kids will be consumed by their own desires… French parents stress the cadre because they know that without boundaries, children will be overpowered by these desires. The cadre helps to contain all this inner turmoil and calm it down… That could explain whty my children are practically the only ones having tantrums in the park in Paris. A tantrum happens when a child is overwhelmed by his own desires and doesn’t know how to stop himself. The other kids are used to hearing non, and having to accept it. Mine aren’t. My “no” feels contingent and weak to them. It doesn’t stop the chain of wanting. (237)

Druckerman realizes that

American parents… are often deeply ambivalent about being in charge. In theory, we believe that kids need limits. This is a truism of American parenting. However, in practice, we’re often unsure where these limits should be or we’re uncomfortable policing them… France feels like a different planet. Even the most bohemian parents boast about how strict they are and seem unequivocal about being at the top of the family hierarchy. In a country that reveres revolution and climbing the barricades, there are apparently no anarchists at the family dinner table.(224-6)

I think Bringing up Bebe would be an excellent choice for any book club. However, I loved it so much I had to pass it along to a friend — so, no giveaway, but a double thumbs up recommendation!

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